Taken from a response from a monk given to a request for advice on dealing with deep ill-will resulting from a series of disagreements.

"Geronda Ephraim tells us that misunderstandings will always happen between people. And he's right. There are always many ways of looking at an issue, and disagreements are inevitable. Even saints disagreed! So when two people disagree, don't be surprised. But the important thing is to have patience and love in dealing with other people, because only with these virtues can we overcome the daily problems that will always exist.

Another important virtue that we need to cultivate is self-reproach. When we are aware of our own faults and shortcomings, we become much more merciful of these things in other people. There is a wonderful story in the life of St. Siluan the Athonite--one of my favorite saints. If you can bear with me, I will tell it to you:"

"One day he (St. Siluan still as a layman serving in the military) came across a soldier due for discharge who was sitting gloomily on his pallet. Simeon (St. Siluan's worldly name) went up to him and said, 'What's the matter? Why do you sit there with your head in your hands instead of being glad, like everyone else, that you've done your time and are off home?' 'I've just had a letter from home,' was the soldier's reply. 'They write that my wife has had a child while I was away.' He was silent for a space, shaking his head. Then in a low voice, in which grief mingled with anger and injured pride, he muttered, 'I'm scared of what I shall do to her. . . That's why I don't want to go home.' 'And you,' Simeon asked him quietly, 'since you left home, how many times have you been in the house down the street?' 'Well. . .' said the soldier, as if he were just remembering, 'there have been times. . .' 'You see, you couldn't wait. Do you think it was easy for her? It's all right for you - you're a man but once is enough to get her into trouble. Remember what you've done. You're more in the wrong than she is. Forgive her. Go home, accept the child as your own, you'll see, everything will be all right.' A few months later Simeon received a grateful letter from the soldier telling him how as he had approached his home his father and mother came out to meet him, 'uneasy,' while his wife, apprehensive and nervous, waited at the door with the child in her arms. Since Simeon had talked to him at the barracks he ahd felt quite all right. He greeted his parents happily, then cheerily went up to his wife, took the child and kissed it, too. They all went indoors together, and after that walked round the village visiting relations and friends. And wherever they went he carried the child in his arms, and everything was very pleasant. And since then they had all lived contentedly together. In his letter the soldier thanked his friend for his good advice. And there is no denying that the advice was not only good but wise, too. So we see that even as a young man Simeon realised that an essential condition for harmony amongst people is that each should recognise his own shortcomings."

"Even though this story is quite different than your situation, I thought you would like to hear it, because perhaps there is something you can see in yourself that you can blame."